I wrote this four weeks ago in a word document, not looking forward to posting this up.
Okay. I’ve been stubborn with God. SignPosts02 has been getting in the way with my intimacy with God and he completely shook me up this Sunday at an awesome church meeting. Him using vision, rebuke, correction and everything else that He could to make me finally get it… He finally got through to me. He wants intimacy…
As some of you may know, I’ve had quite the adventure in many ministries, that have involved God, abusive people, corrupt ministries, wolves, false doctrines used against me, manipulation, abusive leadership, church excommunication and rejection, the good, the fake, authentic, the world, etc.
In my past, I really had to toughen up. As a result I studied the bible back to front, started reading like crazy, started eagerly to try and find people like-minded like me and then discovered internet where minds met to blog.
This entire process has been wonderful and I have grown so much. As a result, I have been able to bless others with my insights into various big church cultures so that others there don’t get caught up in the worldly church. They have been grateful that I was honest with them and my views on such ministries such as Hillsong and CCCOF.
However on Sunday night I’ve started the yielding process. I’ve known it for over two months now and I didn’t want to listen to God, but I know personally know now that God doesn’t want me blogging anymore. He’s been speaking to me about ‘gnosis’ and ‘rhema’. As a result, on Sunday I got a vision and some great wisdom from Him.
So this is it. I’m drawing the line for 2009. I’M NOT RUNNING SIGNPOSTS02 NOW!
That’s it! It’s sad. I’d love to be, but I’m selfish over this. More of God or more of Signposts? I think the answer’s obvious. I’m planning to make signposts02 pop up on search engines again. I just wont be posting articles, links or comments anymore… Well… Maybe comments here and there. Hopefully it’s just a season.
So may I bless you with what I have been personally receiving for the last few weeks.
Solomon and David
One had a heart for God’s heart. The other had a heart for God’s wisdom.
One withstood, the other fell. Wisdom is great but is nothing without love (1Cor 13:1-3)
Through having the mind of God, Solomon had everything yet came to the conclusion that happiness wasn’t found with it all. Through his proverbs and teachings we see how fruitless our striving for great knowledge really is. Having the mind of God was a sad reality in the long scheme of things from Solomon’s point of view; to bare so much wickedness and injustice in a global sense. We are not capable of baring the scope in remembering every lie, atrocity, scheme or snare. We are human and learn so much only to forget it all later.
In Relation to This (And Other Odd Things)
This is what God told me to say to someone the previous week:
“I feel God is saying ‘Don’t receive my words with your head but receive my words with your heart. If you receive my words with your mind, you’ll forget. But if you receive my words with your heart, you’ll be changed.”
As I spoke it, I knew it was a word for me too. I didn’t listen until he reminded me this Sunday. He then gave me a vision. A golden crown was on my head and my eyes were looking up to God and then at the crown on my head. But I was troubled by it’s non-dazzling presence. All of a sudden I was analysing the crown and struggled wearing it and had trouble looking at God with it over my brow. I was then looking within my head and saw that the crown was actually resting on mind/brain. With a ‘clink!’, the dull burdensome crown of God, fell from my brain and caught my heart, like a coin about to rest on a flat surface. Another ‘clink!’ noise was made as it fastened onto my heart. I saw myself looking at my chest and felt His crown reveal a golden glow from within me and I knew my heart was smiling and saying ‘yes’.
As a result, I saw myself break a smile and express a deep joy where I carried an authority. True relational authority with God. I was looking up again and was opened like a flower to receive anything from God at anytime.
I was letting him sing over me. In the mean time, through this entire experience, I was talking to him, getting whacked and smashed around by His Spirit (something that made me buckle all over the place- something I have never experienced before except in the last few weeks), on the ground, crying, laughing, at peace, confused, talking to Him again, rebuked, whacked around, crying again.
In the vision God was showing me what would happen if I placed my sensitive heart back into His authorship. Rather then to have intimacy with Him being on the mind, he wanted me to return to my first love, the first yielding, my complete surrender. He just wanted me to be open again with issues that needed to be healed from those past experiences.
But being scared of that I purposely started asking questions, receiving awesome revelations from Him… but in the head. One thing he taught me out many things was prayer. He said to me:
“Pray is my gift to the church. It is there to make everyone remain humble.”
Moving On With My Ear Lobes
In receiving other revelations and experiences (that you might find a bit weird if I explained), someone in the front of the room yelled out:
“I believe God has got this message to give someone: ‘You’re not listening to me’.”
I simply assumed it was for someone else because here I was deep in conversation with Him, and ‘receiving’ cool revelations. I stopped this line of thought when I felt someone stroke my earlobe. I snapped out of it and looked up to see if the lady next to me was a creep – but she had both her hands raised, lost in worship. I closed my eyes as the guy in the front continued on to see if someone would come down. As I felt I was back in that one on one space with God, I felt, whoever it was, actually grab my ear and pull me up. It was so warm! I opened my and realised it was no-one! THAT’S ME that needs to go the front!
Embarrassed, I didn’t. But I sought out the guy at the end of the night and I finally felt that the crown on my heart actually disappeared. It was if, through my heart, it crowned the invisible: my spirit.
God used the man without realising it and he asked me: Do you remember the conversation you had with God? The things He said? I realised God was right, and what I said last week to the guy about forgetting was right – the mind forgets! I laughed at my foolishness again.
I realised the crown was a symbol of an ‘engagement with the Holy Spirit’. God generally speaks to me in riddles all over the place throughout the weeks. Two weeks prior to this Sunday night experience, God simply gave me the following words: ‘Heart to heart, Spirit to Spirit’. He gave me the desire to engage with Him and it worked. Sunday night, He said this right then and I thanked Him for it. I also thanked my friend for being open to His obedience, to hear from God and obey.
So much was said. And it was all so wonderful too. Maybe more will come back to me what I learnt in the conversation
So in this new season, He will be restoring to me things that I have lost and showing me things I don’t need or need to focus on anymore. He will be showing me how intimate He can actually get with me. Scary thought! I have some really good friends in my life now (and pastors) who I can trust to help me get through this. I haven’t had or seen the church this close to me for over twenty-five years.
Never Say Die
I refuse to see SignPosts die. I think it is important for people to see and read alternate views on church matters. I will be slowly weaning myself off the blog, but I encourage you all to continue discussing and posting up interesting articles that are worth talking about. Hopefully this is a season that I will one day return to (if I need it). I pray that you all get more intimate with God. I’m loving it and I’m experiencing His presence more and more, day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. He makes me smile.
Hope to meet up with some of you soon.
God bless you all!