Kris Vallotton and the Prophetic Tooth Fairy

From Bud Press, I suppose we want to see gold dust and ‘angel’ feathers in our worship services too? (Admin)

Kris Vallotton and the Prophetic Tooth Fairy
Where is PAAH-KAAA when you need it?
by Bud Press
November 29, 2011

In case you’ve been stranded on a desert island for the last few years, Kris Vallotton is one of the big cheeses at Bill Johnson’s Bethel church in Redding, California. Like many hyper-Charismatics, Vallotton believes that he and his followers are to be totally free from, uh, sickness and disease, that is.

Well, based on Vallotton’s November 24 Facebook comments, he not only suffers pain like everyone else, it appears that he forgot  to summon the Prophetic Tooth Fairy to deliver him from his own “intense” agony and pain.

By the way, if you’re wondering what the Prophetic Tooth Fairy is, no one knows where it originated. However, exstensive research reveals that it likes to be called PAAH-KAAA (pronounced, PAAH-KAAA).

Anyway, as the not-so-believable story goes, PAAH-KAAA shows up out of nowhere at hyper-Charismatic churches and revivals, and turns dental fillings into gold–instead of, uh, replacing the entire tooth. That way, PAAH-KAAA can return and replace the gold filling with another gold filling when the original gold filling falls out–or the tooth rots, whichever the case may be.

Consequently, Kris Vallotton’s failure to summon PAAH-KAAA was a costly decision, in which he shares with his Facebook followers:

Woke up with intense toothache. So I never thought I would say this but here it goes; I am thankful for the dentist! There, I said it.

Yes, Kris Vallotton “said it,” and I hope his followers on Facebook read it and think, “Gee, I wonder why Kris didn’t call on Bill Johnson or Todd Bentley to sling him a new tooth through PAAH-KAAA’s Prophetic Tooth Fairy portal?”

But, unfortunately for Vallotton, summoning PAAH-KAAA the Prophetic Tooth Fairy would have been a waste of time. It was in another town spreading gold-colored pixy dust in and around air conditioner vents, and collecting bird feathers from the local arts and crafts store to drop on and around hyper-Charismatics.

But, the dentist was in, and that’s good, because dentists are more reliable–and are, uh, real.

 


9 thoughts on “Kris Vallotton and the Prophetic Tooth Fairy

  1. From the review above: ”This man endures adversity and the devil head on and tells how we can be delivered from attacks that seem to plague us more than one time.”

    Ultimately, the problem that I have with such books is that they purport to tell you a ‘secret discovery’ to overcoming, the world, the devil and the flesh. That is the stuff of gnosticism and ‘higher revelation’. Dangling a big spiritual carrot and asking you to part with $25 for the alleged privilege of finding out what the ‘secret’ is, we line his pockets, and dishonour God who is our source. We should not peddle the word of God – it’s as simple as that. If God has graciously set Vallotton free, who is he to charge for this ‘insight’, if indeed it is.

    Paul never wrote to the churches saying they should trot off to the local (or distant) School of Supernatural Healing and Deliverance. His sole answer to ALL their issues and problems was to offer a greater and more awesome revelation of Jesus Christ. Why we carve up the only solution into a myriad of compartmented answers to sell our books is beyond me.

  2. Oh, and you can lump CCM with Christian books too as far as making money from your personal (or corporate) Christian experience, and the associated error of that way.

  3. Or better still, dictate the book, and get volunteer staff to type it, make it, carry the boxes around, sell it, and get the church to pay for the production costs. Good deal especially when the volunteer staff are paying 10% of their income which goes to paying for the production costs of the books that you get the money from.

    And make a DVD as well while you’re at it.

    Wow. Is that really how it works?

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