Some Questionable things found in the bible

Look, please don’t take this as an attack on the bible – it isn’t.  I’m a Christian, and the words of the bible have meant life for me, they have helped me to change my life right around.  But let’s face some facts…there is some strange shit in that book…and yet people are determined to have us believe that each and every word in the bible comes from the mouth of God.  I call shennanigans on that.

Really questionable things in the bible:

Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.

— Proverbs 31:6

That’s just not good advice – if I’m perishing – get me some medicine, get me to a doctor or even just comfort me – don’t give me beer!

Were you aware that children, calling a prophet “you baldy” is not cool:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. ‘Go up, baldhead,’ they shouted, ‘go up, baldhead!’

The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the children to pieces.

— 2 Kings 2:23-24

Be very careful next time you call someone “hey fatty boomsticks” if they’re a prophet, you could end up in deep shit!

Here’s some more strange advice.  Let me just say firstly though; if your husband is fighting someone, don’t get involved; second…why go straight for the balls?  That’s just not nice lady.

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.

— Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Whatever the reasons…don’t do this:

Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

— Isaiah 36:12

It is ok to beat the shit out of your servant, as long as they don’t die

And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished.

Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.

— Exodus 21:20-21

I knew unicorns existed

And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.

— Isaiah 34:7

I warned you didn’t I?  Don’t have pre-marital sex:

But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you

–  Deuteronomy 22:20-21

Really?  Every word, straight fromt the throne room…infallable, worth using for instruction? Every bit of it hey?


12 thoughts on “Some Questionable things found in the bible

  1. It is just a GREAT thing we are under Grace instead of the Law. You offer a powerful argument Greg, mingled with humor. One thing though – in the Aramaic it is a Water Buffalo rather than a Unicorn.

    I once asked God about the Jewish people, why they were as they were. He told me He had to breed a special people who would not only be faithful enough to believe in His being and His coming as promised, and some would become the Prophets who would speak the vision into being by faith (1 Peter 1:11), by whom God would get His Word into the world. That people had to be a unique people, and also able to be so narrow and bigoted that they could kill their own God when he came to them and they knew him not. That is why they are such an anachronism, and make a ready scapegoat for the ills of the world, as Hitler found.

    The Law was added for transgressions until the Promise should come, and besides, who knows what changes Maimonides made – I have encountered one born again Jewish scholar who said Maimonides made as many as 6000 changes to the Ancient texts.

    The important thing is to know the character of God, and have a good laugh, and of course a coldy…

  2. Hey Greg – you might appreciate this Aramaic sourced scripture from 2 Timothy – it may seem vaguely familiar, but make much more sense. LOL.

    14. You, however, be strengthened in what you have learned and by Whom you were confirmed. For you know from whom you have learned,
    15. And from your boyhood, you have learned the holy Scriptures that could impart to you the wisdom of the everlasting life through the faith in Jesus Christ.
    16. For every Letter that is written through the holy Spirit is effective in teaching and illustration, and for building and the edification of righteousness,
    17. So that the men and women of God may be fully evolved, to perform every good deed and become faithful adherents.

    Note he is talking specifically about letters of instruction in the knowledge of Jesus and scriptures pertaining to said Jesus Christ. He is talking about discipleship. He had transcended the Law, but the Prophets still have currency as do the proverbs and prophetic poetry of the Psalms and Song of Songs. They are anointed books, but strangely I have never felt the Spirit in Deuteronomy, but I have felt condemnation ministered from it by covetous Pastors. I think maybe we should all be mature enough to have learned to deal with such matters spiritually.

    Just an aside, check this little gem out. Its a beautiful world we live in, a sweet romantic place…Devo!
    http://orbisvitae.com/mc/Know-Your-Enemy/66,Alice-A-Bailey.html#a

  3. 2 Kings 2:23-24

    Amplified Bible (AMP)

    23 He went up from Jericho to Bethel. On the way, [a]young [maturing and accountable] boys came out of the city and mocked him and said to him, Go up [in a whirlwind], you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!

    24 And he turned around and looked at them and called a curse down on them in the name of the Lord. And two she-bears came out of the woods and ripped up forty-two of the boys.
    Footnotes:

    2 Kings 2:23 This incident has long been misunderstood because the Hebrew word “naar” was translated “little boys.” That these characteristic juvenile delinquents were old enough to be fully accountable is obvious from the use of the word elsewhere. For example, it was used by David of his son Solomon and translated “young and inexperienced,” when Solomon was a father (I Chron. 22:5; cf. I Kings 14:21 and II Chron. 9:30 ). It was used of Joseph when he was seventeen (Gen. 37:2). In fact, not less than seventy times in the King James Version this word “naar” is translated “young man” or “young men.”

  4. One thing though – in the Aramaic it is a Water Buffalo rather than a Unicorn.

    Was that an American Water Buffalo?

  5. Please don’t think I’m going to say anything rude about you Greg, because I’m not, but…

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