Look, please don’t take this as an attack on the bible – it isn’t. I’m a Christian, and the words of the bible have meant life for me, they have helped me to change my life right around. But let’s face some facts…there is some strange shit in that book…and yet people are determined to have us believe that each and every word in the bible comes from the mouth of God. I call shennanigans on that.
Really questionable things in the bible:
“Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish.“
— Proverbs 31:6
That’s just not good advice – if I’m perishing – get me some medicine, get me to a doctor or even just comfort me – don’t give me beer!
Were you aware that children, calling a prophet “you baldy” is not cool:
“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. While he was on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him. ‘Go up, baldhead,’ they shouted, ‘go up, baldhead!’“
“The prophet turned and saw them, and he cursed them in the name of the LORD. Then two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the children to pieces.“
— 2 Kings 2:23-24
Be very careful next time you call someone “hey fatty boomsticks” if they’re a prophet, you could end up in deep shit!
Here’s some more strange advice. Let me just say firstly though; if your husband is fighting someone, don’t get involved; second…why go straight for the balls? That’s just not nice lady.
“If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.“
— Deuteronomy 25:11-12
Whatever the reasons…don’t do this:
“Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?“
— Isaiah 36:12
It is ok to beat the shit out of your servant, as long as they don’t die
“And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished.“
“Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money.“
— Exodus 21:20-21
I knew unicorns existed
“And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.“
— Isaiah 34:7
I warned you didn’t I? Don’t have pre-marital sex:
But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you
– Deuteronomy 22:20-21
Really? Every word, straight fromt the throne room…infallable, worth using for instruction? Every bit of it hey?