St. Nicholas: what can I say, he was a beast.

December 13, 2013 By  

In church today, our rector handed out a card with an icon of St. Nicholas, similar to the one on the left.

On the back of the card read the following:

Nicholas was born in the 3rd century in Asia Minor. He used his entire inheritance to help the poor, sick, and children in need. He gave in secret, expecting nothing in return. He attended the Council of Nicea in AD 325. Greatly loved for his faith, compassion and care, he is venerated in both East and West.

OK., that’s pretty cool. He gave away his entire inheritance to those in need. I never knew that. I thought he had elves helping him or something, but I guess I got that part wrong.

The rest of the card really hit me and made me feel stupid and cheated for never having been taught this as a child.

Nicholas saved young women from slavery, protected sailors, spared innocents from execution, provided grain in a famine and rescued a kidnaped boy.

Nicholas was a beast. Mother Teresa, Oskar Schindler, and Samuel L. Jackson all rolled into one. What an absolute crushing beast.

I like the icon–his eyes. He is looking off to the side, like he’s annoyed about having to sit there for a portrait while people in need were suffering.

Can you imagine how he would react to what he has become in our contemporary society?

[Say in Samuel L. Jackson voice, preferably the diner scene from Pulp Fiction] “Let me get this straight. You want me to fly through the air, slide down your chimney and give you stuff? How about I kick down your door and take all your money and give it people who need it?”

So, to review:

Santa Clause. Not real. An embodiment of our greed.

St. Nicholas. Real Person. Worth telling your kids about.

Samuel L. Jackson. No-nonsense tough guy. Like St. Nicholas (sans cursing and handgun)

OK, I’m exaggerating and “totally misunderstanding Samuel L. Jackson” (to anticipate some humorless comments). But, my point still stands. For “Jolly Old St. Nick” to have pulled off things like standing between a slave owner and his property, or an executioner and his victim, or go about unkidnaping a boy, he was probably a very brave man indeed with better things on his mind than making sure nice children get an X-Box or an iPad 3.

Yes, I know, he also beat up people he had theological disagreements with, which makes him a bit too much like Samuel L. Jackson–and perhaps the first of the neo-reformed–but I’m willing to roll with that for the time being, seeing that’s Christmas and all.

I feel better now. Thanks for listening.


8 thoughts on “St. Nicholas: what can I say, he was a beast.

  1. I always understood that St Nicholas was a good bloke. We always shared the story with our kids when they were small.

  2. Do you really want to continue that here? I think he was at the Nicaea Council which dealt with the Arian controversy and shifted Easter on the calendar, from the Jewish months to the Gregorian, and the attempt to make the Bishop of Rome the heir of St Peter was,on this occasion, thwarted. No mention o Mary.

    And, of course he loves Mary. We all do. We just don’t call her names she is not. He’d probably pat me on the back for sticking up for the truth, as he did at Nicaea.

  3. Lol. Do I need to send yo two to the naughty corner? Do you need some time out? Christmas is just around the corner, and you don’t want Santa to give you lumps of coal instead of nice gifts do you?

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